The Numpty’s Guide To Your First Day Away

This little insight will resonate with the fool hardy and be an insight for the inexperienced.

Leave Blighty in sub 20 degrees, and sit in the car for 2 and a 1/2 days. Wake up below a favourite peak (in my case Mont Ventoux) to the sound of people getting ready to ride to the summit. Announce that you’re beside yourself with excitement and just have to go, despite feeling totally knackered with a stiff back. Get ready at warp speed leaving behind trip essentials like that extra gel. After all you can’t remember where anything is because nothing is sorted! As a token gesture to good preparation, fill your bottles more than normal, because after all it’s gonna be hot!

Whizz past some French woman, half your age and think ‘hell that’s starting at a snail’s pace!’. After a short time hear her breathing down your neck and think,‘well it’s not a race anyway, so I’m going to let you pass and I’ll get you later.’ Suddenly be engulfed with an over whelming feeling of heat exhaustion because the temperature is rising to 30+ degrees. Check your gears to ensure you are actually on the big sprocket at the back. Maybe the front disc is rubbing? No, it’s a case of ‘what you see is what you get!’

Think, this stretch of 9% seems to go on for ever and big climbs are often rides of retrospective enjoyment. Get your ass whipped by some guy in a vest and gym shorts, circa 1960’s, flying by on an E bike. He’ll be pedalling like the clappers with his feet at 10 to 2 in a pair of flip flops. Your self esteem falls below the floor and you begin to wonder if your really are too old to expect great things of yourself. After all your back is in a state of total melt down, despite you trying to get out of the saddle on every corner.

After what seems a life time, the end is in sight. Is there a feeling of joy and elation? No not really, rather a feeling of completing a mental hell.

Mont Ventoux this time, L’Alpe d’hues a few years before. You have a poor memory Phelan or maybe the draw to join the lemmings is stronger than you think. Maybe the first ride should be easier to flushing the legs ready for harder things? What I do know is, that some things you have to find out for yourself.

Happy travels and may you all enjoy the elation of completing many big climbs abroad.

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